So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
