Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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