I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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