why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
