Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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