so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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