he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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