He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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