he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
