Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
