The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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