So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
