Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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