She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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