i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
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