I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
