if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
