My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
