chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Two words: blizzard sex
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
