two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
