i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
