I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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