3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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