she looked like the bat from fern gully.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
