Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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