I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
