I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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