apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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