please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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