Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think my moral compass just broke
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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