I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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