If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm getting married
To pizza
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
