forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
