You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
