ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
