sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
