He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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