he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
