You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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