i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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