Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
