I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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