Sry I called you an 8
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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