Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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