If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
