Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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