if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
