At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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