guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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