I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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