I hate your face
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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